Joseph Giglio | Thursday has been cancelled

Effective January 1st Thursday will be removed in favor of a second Friday. This Friday will be known as Thank God It’s Friday Friday after TGIF outbid Urban Outfitters for the naming rights to Friday 2. 

We would like to make it clear that Thursday is not being cancelled for anything that Thursday has done wrong. Profit margins are simply down across the board and we need to incentive days that bring in more revenue. Friday is one of our most popular days. People love Friday! It is the harbinger of the weekend and a day to relax with friends or family and maybe go see a movie sometimes. But Friday, crucially, is also a day where you have to go to work. Unless you’re one of those dirty commies who advocate for the four day work week, and we don’t count them in our surveys. 

We have heard your demands that we should spare Thursday and simply cancel another day instead, however we will continue to stress that we have done our due diligence and several rounds of market testing have determined Thursday is the most logical day to go. Monday, though maligned, is important both as the start of the work week and as a foil to make the other days seem better, Wednesday is necessary as an anchor to the week, and we owe Tuesday a favor. We could replace Saturday or Sunday but we know you whiners would get mad, besides Saturday and our sons are on the same lacrosse team, and we are afraid of what Sunday might do if it doesn’t have a job anymore. Thursday, with its lack of significant friends or family ties, is an easy cut.

We understand it may be hard for some of you to accept that we have to cancel Thursday, but we simply ask you to give Thank God It’s Friday Friday a chance before you make any hasty decisions like looking into how much money we make relative to how much it costs to keep operating Thursday.

Joseph V. Giglio is a queer poet originally from Western New York. He has been previously published in Corvus Review, Dead Fern Press and HAD amongst others and received his MFA from George Mason University. He is often somewhere he shouldn’t be looking for birds or ghosts, but never bird ghosts.